Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
🤣
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga