The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
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Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne