Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON