Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Mornin
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died