DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
You Might Also Like
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*