Whisper out to librarians!
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
how to market bottled water to dads
those birds must be on payroll
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya