my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
You Might Also Like
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
step 6: release the wall snake
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have