I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
😂 amazing answer
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Jurassic park gets weird
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*