I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.