Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
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People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.