Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
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Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
(True)
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Actually cracking up @ this
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet