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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman