i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
For the baby who has everything
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.