*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.