Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
sleeping beauty
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Bed should get ready for ME
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Happy Halloween 🎃
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*