I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
You Might Also Like
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.