To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.