Cndnsd Mlk
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Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
when you are just born a rebel
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?