Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
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All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]