I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.