Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.