I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
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My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.