Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
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I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If you know, you know
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood