ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Sponch
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Eat…
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014