Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
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This is my pinned tweet
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
What’s a Messi?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I’d love this…lol
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket