[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
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Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.