Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
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Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib