Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
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luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
my astrological sign is a french fry
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?