I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg