According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
The little toadstool has spoken.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell