facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Body by cheese-puffs.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.