This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.