Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.