No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
no regrets