no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
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I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The Onion called it…again.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell