My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
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Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
the three genders
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.