Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
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BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.