Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right