People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.