i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
You Might Also Like
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married