U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
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*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys