if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
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Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
mood
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
United Steaks of America
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Cha-ching is my safe word
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.