For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
You Might Also Like
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
paddle faster i hear baby shark
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
no such thing as a dumb question
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?