How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
You Might Also Like
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Bread puns are on the rise!
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
What about a To-Don’t List?
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.