Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
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“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Bond. Trauma bond.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead