If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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What the hell happened in there??
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Husband of the year 😂
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,