*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”