mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
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If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
same energy
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something