Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
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Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
this post was so formative to me
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego