Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
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How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…